I'm very confident in saying 2017 was one of the most taxing years of my life.
This is saying a lot since 2015 saw me watch my father get diagnosed and pass away from cancer in a span of 3 months.
In 2016, I had to put on my manager big girl boots and fire an employee. My husband also had emergency surgery and recovery. Oh, and I helped launch one of the largest releases for my company.
Objectively, 2015 and 2016 were full of incredibly taxing moments. But those were all situations that were easy for me to handle. I had a grasp on every situation, and even though they were new and scary, I knew I could get through them.
It was that confidence that made 2017 such a fuck up.
Towards the end of 2016 I was told of an incredibly opportunity for a career change. I had been in my current team/department for almost 5 years, and this opportunity seemed like the perfect time to try something new and expand my skill sets. I spent the first 3.5 months of 2017 focussed on developing my skills so I could make this career jump. I had so much success previously, I was certain I could take on this new challenge. In April of 2017, that change finally happened and I started a new job. I moved from being in a leadership role back to an individual contributor, and I was ready for the next stage of my career.
At first, it wasn't so bad. Like any new job, I was confused, slow, and didn't know much. But I've onboarded new team members before. I knew that these thoughts were normal and would go away with time.
They didn't.
I spent the next 5-6 months battling crippling anxiety and immense amounts of self doubt and imposter syndrome.
Prior to taking this job, I was highly motivated, confident, and proud of what I did. In less than half a year it brought me the complete opposite of that. I hated coming to work, I looked for every excuse to put things off, and I felt like a shell of myself. I had multiple panic attacks at work, ended up on anxiety medication. I fought hard to get through all this and actually succeed.
In September, I reached the breaking point. My husband went to America for a work trip, and being alone with my thoughts (and binging a lot of Casey Neistat to be honest) caused me to finally break down and realize I couldn't continue. If I couldn't keep myself somewhat together without my other half, then there was no way I could continue with this job. All the future opportunities that may have come from this career change were not worth the expense of my mental health.
By October I was back on my old team (though, in this case I ended up coming back as a lead of the whole team, vs just a part of it).
In a lot of ways, I can point at this career change as a huge mistake. But in the theme of reflection, those 5-6 months made me realize some profound things about myself.
I want to be more creative
When I started to hate my job, I put so much focus into other areas I neglected, specifically creative ones. I spent so much more time looking into filmmaking and storytelling. I took up film photography (which, btw, helped a lot with all the anxiety I was experiencing). When I scroll through my Instagram feed and see all the photos I took during that time, I'm so happy. I really took the time to be creative. I can see progress in my work. When I wasn't doing what I wanted to in my 9-5, I took more time to do something I did want to do outside it. The fact I gravitated towards filmmaking and photography made me realize these were the mediums I wanted to create in. Now that I know what I want to pursue creatively, I'm able to focus my time and efforts more. I can't be more grateful for that realization.
I will not be happy with a career change unless it's for myself
There was a long stretch of time where I tried to rationalize the best way to get out of my current situation while obviously staying financially stable. I seriously considered leaving the company I was at to pursue something involving video development (a creative outlet I described earlier). But none of those options were appealing. I realized that if I were to ever have a career change, it had to be for myself. If I were going to quit my current company, it had to be because I was becoming my own boss. There is a crazy amount of effort required for a career change, and if I'm going to go through that, I don't want to put all that effort in for someone else's goal. This is a large reason why I ended up deciding to switch back to my old department. The mental energy I would need to put in to succeed and grow is far less there than anywhere else since (5 years of experience will do that for you). By going back to something familiar, I realized I could save so much mental energy. Energy I could use to tackle my creative passions.
In many ways, I see 2017 as a write off. I didn't accomplish anything grand. I failed at one job, and just started my current one. I have no metaphorical trophies or ribbons to show myself. All I have is reflection. All I can take away from 2017 is the realization of the things that are important to me, and my true goals.
Quite frankly, becoming self aware of those goals is the best thing i could take from 2017. I don't regret anything I did this year. The lessons I learned now will continue in 2018. 2017 was the start, 2018 is the journey. I can't wait to see where it leads.
